I hate.

I love a lot. I love hard. I love deeply. I love passionately. I don't mind sharing this with people, because I have so many things in my life worth loving. Loving people can be a downfall, so I try not to confuse love with trust. I don't trust often, but I love much.

If this sounds familiar it's probably because I took it from my very first blogspot post. I had to take a look at it because as much as I try to remind myself to love and smile and laugh and giggle, I've been filled up with many other emotions lately and I've been having a heck of a time dealing with them.

I know hate is a strong word, and I really dislike using it regularly but it seems to be the only one that fit well with me today.

I hate myself
I hate my life
I hate my ear infection
I hate that I can barely pay my bills

I'm not a big fan of myself, which everyone I think feels that way about themselves so I don't think I'm all that unique in having that mindset. I say that I hate my life, but my life has so many wonderful qualities that I can't seem to figure out why I just can't make myself appreciate them all the time.

Who doesn't hate an ear infection, but what I hate worse is that I don't have medical insurance to go do anything about it, so I'm just toughing it out being miserable and hoping it will just go away.

Money is always a huge issue, I just don't have enough of it and with the economy the way it is, I feel discouraged about that ever changing.

I hate my face, I hate my body, I hate my heart, I hate my ugliness inside and out, but most of all...I hate hurting.

Have you ever heard anybody running around estatic screaming "WOOHOO I HURT! I HAVE A BROKEN HEART AND IT IS AMAAAAAZING!!!"? Yeah, me either.

I do know that things will get better with time, and eventually it won't hurt to exist, and actually I thought that I had just started to reach that point where I wasn't donating all of my spare thoughts to the very reason I was having a hard time focusing in the first place. It's everywhere I go, random catchy tunes in my head that lead my thoughts back where I am trying so hard to avoid.

I want really badly to just erase the hurt and the pain and not have to mask it. I almost think it's hazardous for me to be alone right now, and what sucks even worse is that I haven't told ANYBODY about anything that is going on. So not only am I in a world of hurt, I'm dealing with it completely by myself, which is fine I suppose, I'm grown.

Today in class we got into some pretty heated discussions regarding ethical decision making and abortion and a word was tossed out that kind of hit home with me. I want to expand on it, but I don't really have the time right now so I'll do it later, but I wrote the word on my had because it's the third time I've heard it and wanted to write about it but I kept forgetting what it was. VICARIOUS TRAUMA! (LOL I wrote it on my hand!)